Do You Need to Step Up or Let Go of Control?

How to Step Up as a Parent

If you're the parent stepping up, focus on building your competence and confidence — and on deepening your relationship with your child. Feeling awkward at first doesn't disqualify you as a parent; we've all been there. You don't need to put on a front and pretend to know more than you do. What matters is that you try, and that you show up with love and care.

If your co-parent tends to be bossy or controlling, ask them to be patient. The need for control may come from caring, not from wanting to undermine you. And don't hesitate to seek help — everything you do for your child's sake is something to be proud of. If you're brave enough to own your insecurity, you can ask your co-parent for advice. You can also turn to your BVC nurse (at the Swedish child health center) if your child is little, or join a parent support program run by your kommun (municipality) if you have school-aged children. Society invests significant resources in helping parents do this job as well as we can.

How to Let Go of Control

Don't worry — you can do this. Learning to let go when you've always been in charge can be just as hard as stepping up when you're used to riding in the back seat. Not being on hand when you always have been can bring both anxiety and sadness.

If it helps you feel secure, an agreed update about how your child is doing can make daily life easier. For a young child, that might be a photo or a short message, where sharing is safe and appropriate. Predictable communication can reduce repeated checking. Practical boundaries need to fit the child’s needs and any applicable agreement or court order; a parent’s wish for updates does not by itself determine a legal right to contact at any time.

Schedule Regular Check-Ins

Booking a check-in with each other two or three months ahead can create calm and give you both some breathing room. Are you heading in the right direction, or not?

Summary

• A separation can be the push toward more equal parenting.
• If you know you're a little out of touch with your children's needs, dare to step up and take responsibility for your own parenting. It's okay to feel clumsy — that passes with time. Ask for help if you need it; both your child and you will benefit.
• Do you have a strong need for control, and find it hard to stop giving instructions or asking checking-up questions about your child? Try to look at the situation from the outside: could it be time to loosen your grip on your child's life?
• Be generous with each other. Openness and trust breed confidence — and the trust you receive (and give) needs to be handled carefully and respectfully.
• Check in with each other over time. In Sweden, municipal family counselling and parenting support can provide outside help; the local service explains what it offers.