Do You Need to Step Up or Let Go of Control?

How to Step Up as a Parent

If you're the parent stepping up, focus on building your competence and confidence — and on deepening your relationship with your child. Feeling awkward at first doesn't disqualify you as a parent; we've all been there. You don't need to put on a front and pretend to know more than you do. What matters is that you try, and that you show up with love and care.

If your co-parent tends to be bossy or controlling, ask them to be patient. The need for control may come from caring, not from wanting to undermine you. And don't hesitate to seek help — everything you do for your child's sake is something to be proud of. If you're brave enough to own your insecurity, you can ask your co-parent for advice. You can also turn to your BVC nurse (at the Swedish child health center) if your child is little, or join a parent support program run by your kommun (municipality) if you have school-aged children. Society invests significant resources in helping parents do this job as well as we can.

How to Let Go of Control

Don't worry — you can do this. Learning to let go when you've always been in charge can be just as hard as stepping up when you're used to riding in the back seat. Not being on hand when you always have been can bring both anxiety and sadness.

If it helps you feel secure, ask your co-parent to share updates on how your child is doing. Trust is built through good experiences. If your child is young, a few photos in the chat in the Co-parenting app can help you relax — perhaps agree in advance that your co-parent will send a couple of pictures each day. A short evening message about what happened during the day works the same way, and makes it easier not to reach out to your child or your co-parent yourself. However much you miss your child, you don't have the right to contact them — or your co-parent — whenever you like. When your child is with their other parent, that time belongs to them. You'll need to manage the longing in other ways. You can do it!

Schedule Regular Check-Ins

Booking a check-in with each other two or three months ahead can create calm and give you both some breathing room. Are you heading in the right direction, or not?

Summary

• A separation can be the push toward more equal parenting.
• If you know you're a little out of touch with your children's needs, dare to step up and take responsibility for your own parenting. It's okay to feel clumsy — that passes with time. Ask for help if you need it; both your child and you will benefit.
• Do you have a strong need for control, and find it hard to stop giving instructions or asking checking-up questions about your child? Try to look at the situation from the outside: could it be time to loosen your grip on your child's life?
• Be generous with each other. Openness and trust breed confidence — and the trust you receive (and give) needs to be handled carefully and respectfully.
• Check in with each other over time. Do you both feel you're heading in the right direction? If not, don't hesitate to ask for help from the family counseling service in your kommun.