How Can I Reduce Conflict With My Co-Parent?

Why Do We Get So Angry?

If you feel betrayed, hurt, or angry at your co-parent after a separation, it can be especially hard to shift your focus from the inflamed adult relationship to how the conflict is affecting your child. It's hard to be rational when you're angry: emotions take the lead over reasoning and logic, and can steer our muscles and behavior before we manage to stop ourselves. But all that anger and fighting means you're still investing energy in each other. Cool down the inflamed contact, and you free up energy for your child — and for yourselves. Dampening the conflict matters, for your children's sake.

What Can I Do to Reduce Conflict?

Start by recognizing that even if you've been part of the conflict in the past (maybe you even started it sometimes?), you can choose to act differently now and stop contributing aggression. It's also worth asking yourself why you react so strongly to your co-parent. That reflection is a big and important first step. Then try one or more of the following.

Try to Accept the Situation as It Is

This one can be tough. Maybe you were the one who was left, with a broken heart — and now you're expected to cooperate while the kids are with your co-parent, even though less time with your kids is the last thing you wanted. It's a genuinely difficult situation. "Try to accept" doesn't mean you have to like what's happening — it means accepting that it is what it is instead of fighting against it.* Acceptance frees up energy that you can spend on making things as good as possible for you and the kids (and maybe, eventually, for your co-parent, as your cooperation improves).

If there are threats, violence or other safety concerns, the situation needs more than ordinary conflict-management techniques. In Sweden, the police and municipal social services have different roles in investigating suspected offences and assessing protection and support needs. Joint cooperation talks may be unsuitable where there is violence or coercion.

Establish Neutral Communication

Separations are hard, and occasional arguments are normal — they don't necessarily leave a lasting mark on your children. But the more intense your conflict is, the more important it becomes to establish a neutral form of communication that creates distance and helps cool the situation down. Neutral communication simply means communicating in a way that doesn't add heat to an already charged atmosphere.

Think of Your Co-Parent as a "Colleague"

Sometimes it helps to think of your co-parent as a colleague at work — someone you share responsibility with. Then it's obvious that you greet each other, answer when the other calls, and assume that your co-parent, like you, wants the best and is working toward the same goal. Even if it feels awkward and a little stiff at first, sticking to the "professional relationship" beats falling into old patterns that end in arguments.

Refrain From Revenge

Anger can tempt you to use your children as a weapon against the other parent — revenge starts to matter more than the children's well-being. Perhaps agreed pickup times get ignored, or activities get planned during the other parent's week. That creates confusion and disappointment for the children, and anger in the other parent. Disrespectful behavior like this is often meant to add fuel to the conflict — and if you respond with anger, you've given your co-parent exactly what they wanted. If you can stay neutral and refuse to feed the behavior, the chances of it dying down increase; behavior is reinforced when it's rewarded. Again: think of your new relationship as one between co-workers.

Talk to Your Child

Children need help making sense of situations like these, but the line between explaining and speaking ill of the other parent is a fine one. You can confirm that the other parent is angry with you, and that this contributes to them being late or not showing up. Your child needs to hear that they are not to blame for the strained relationship, and they may need support to be able to tell both you and their other parent how they feel. Acknowledge that you see how exposed your child is in the conflicts between you. Talking with your child will also help you understand how to ease the situation and protect them. And where you can't concretely shield your child from the things they suffer from or fear, you can strengthen them in how to protect themselves.

If Conflicts Still Arise

Remember: your efforts to change are never wasted on your child. Children notice when you're trying, and changing patterns takes time. To move forward, you can:

• Minimize contact with your co-parent for a while, and use the Co-parenting app to keep all communication about your child in one place. It relieves everyday stress and helps you avoid verbal disagreements that can easily escalate.
• Let handovers happen at preschool or school so you don't have to meet. On weekends and holidays, ask relatives to help.
• Never bad-mouth your co-parent in front of your child; use measured words to explain your difficulties.
• Look closely at how your child is affected — here is your strongest motivation. What does your child see, hear, and feel? How can they be protected?
• Don't encourage your child's conflict with their other parent — empower them to speak up instead.
• Practice speaking positively about what your co-parent does well: "Mom is really good at cheering you on when you play basketball."
• Think ahead to when your child is older and having their graduation party, far off as that may be. What do you want your co-parent relationship to look like then? What can you do now to make that happen?
• Take care of yourself! What do you need to feel good and safe? Do more of that, and shift your focus to the things that give you energy.

One More Thing...

...relationships are something you do, not something you have. It takes time and energy to break old patterns and create new ones. If you do what you can from your side to minimize parental conflict, you have put your child first in one of the most meaningful ways there is.