Insults Between Parents

Old Patterns Can Carry On After the Separation

Old destructive patterns often carry over into the new parenting relationship after a separation. Sometimes one parent consistently targets the other; in other cases, both parents overstep. Whatever the reason for the insults, they affect more than the targeted parent — they also affect the children.

The Children Are Always Affected

Insults and hostility between parents can be distressing for children. It can hurt to see or hear one parent attack the other, even when the behaviour does not meet the legal definition of a crime. Sweden also has a specific offence, barnfridsbrott, introduced in 2021: it concerns a child witnessing specified criminal acts where the child is or was closely related to both the perpetrator and the victim. It does not make every parental argument that a child hears that offence.

Children are deeply affected even when they aren't present during the insults. The targeted parent loses energy, joy, and focus on the child, who ends up feeling neglected. The parents' ability to cooperate around parenting deteriorates, which sooner or later reaches the child. For the child's well-being, the insults have to stop.

"My Co-parent Insults Me, But I Feel Guilty"

Stopping insults that have gone on for a while can be hard. Some parents feel guilty about the situation and believe they have to "take it" when their co-parent behaves badly — perhaps because they were the one who chose to leave, or because they found new love soon after the separation.

On a human level, anger and despair at being left are understandable. But they give no one the right to take revenge through constant insults. The responsibility lies entirely with the person behaving unacceptably.

How Do I Know If I'm Being Insulted?

• Verbal insults: derogatory language such as curse words or slurs, spoken or written in texts, emails, chats, or similar.
• Belittling descriptions: using neutral words about you in a demeaning way, such as "weak" or "mom/dad doesn't understand..." in front of the child or others.
• Constant criticism: repeatedly finding fault with you and questioning your parenting without valid reason, even though the child is doing well with you.

It makes no difference whether the insults are spoken or written in texts, emails, or elsewhere. Being subjected to this treatment is draining and harmful, and it must end. How to address it in practice varies with the people involved and their circumstances.

What Can Constant Insults Lead To?

In Sweden, conduct can fall under criminal provisions concerning threats, harassment or insults when the conditions of the particular offence are met. Harmful behaviour and a criminal offence are not identical categories. The police investigate suspected crimes, while social services assess needs for protection and support.

In Swedish family proceedings, the court assesses the child’s best interests, including risks of harm and the parents’ ability to put the child’s needs first and take joint responsibility. Repeated harmful behaviour may be relevant to that assessment, but it does not automatically result in sole custody for the other parent. Custody is not a punishment for insulting an adult.