Insults Between Parents

Old Patterns Can Carry On After the Separation

Old destructive patterns often carry over into the new parenting relationship after a separation. Sometimes one parent consistently targets the other; in other cases, both parents overstep. Whatever the reason for the insults, they affect more than the targeted parent — they also affect the children.

The Children Are Always Affected

Insults between parents are extremely distressing for children. It is painful for them to see and hear one parent attack the other. Research shows that attacks on a co-parent can affect children as much as if the parent were targeting the child directly. It is comparable to children witnessing physical violence between parents — something that became a criminal offense in Sweden in 2021.

Children are deeply affected even when they aren't present during the insults. The targeted parent loses energy, joy, and focus on the child, who ends up feeling neglected. The parents' ability to cooperate around parenting deteriorates, which sooner or later reaches the child. For the child's well-being, the insults have to stop.

"My Co-parent Insults Me, But I Feel Guilty"

Stopping insults that have gone on for a while can be hard. Some parents feel guilty about the situation and believe they have to "take it" when their co-parent behaves badly — perhaps because they were the one who chose to leave, or because they found new love soon after the separation.

On a human level, anger and despair at being left are understandable. But they give no one the right to take revenge through constant insults. The responsibility lies entirely with the person behaving unacceptably.

How Do I Know If I'm Being Insulted?

• Verbal insults: derogatory language such as curse words or slurs, spoken or written in texts, emails, chats, or similar.
• Belittling descriptions: using neutral words about you in a demeaning way, such as "weak" or "mom/dad doesn't understand..." in front of the child or others.
• Constant criticism: repeatedly finding fault with you and questioning your parenting without valid reason, even though the child is doing well with you.

It makes no difference whether the insults are spoken or written in texts, emails, or elsewhere. Being subjected to this treatment is draining and harmful, and it must end. How to address it in practice varies with the people involved and their circumstances.

What Can Constant Insults Lead To?

Know that insults can be legally punishable, depending on their severity. If you or your child are subjected to threats, violence, or repeated severe insults, contact the police and social services immediately. Acting to protect your children and yourself is crucial — and good help is available.

Behavior can also be unacceptable without being illegal. In court proceedings about custody, residence, or visitation, a parent who insults the other may eventually be judged so conflict-driven that cooperation over the child becomes impossible. The court can then grant sole custody to the other parent to protect the child from the conflict. In practice, several factors usually combine to make cooperation impossible — and recurring insults can be one of them.