When Your Co-Parent Badmouths You in Front of the Children

You Can Only Control Yourself and Your Own Actions

We know that cooperation and loyalty promote children's well-being — but we don't control our co-parent. The rivalry can feel set in stone, and being badmouthed can leave you feeling helpless. But relationships are living things. How you respond to a reluctant co-parent genuinely affects the trust in your parenting team. At Co-parenting, we have seen tangled parent relationships turn into cooperation. And by helping your children handle the situation, you also reduce their stress — because it is exhausting for children not to feel free to love both their parents.

Keep Your Distance and Stay Neutral

In the early stage, try to see a badmouthing co-parent for what they are right now: a person feeling small. You can work on rebuilding trust by being generous with information — what has gone well for the children, and what has been hard. You can also encourage the children to stay in touch with the other parent during your own weeks.

If you're treated poorly during phone calls or handovers, move the contact to a more neutral channel — for example, the Co-parenting app. It may be tempting to stop responding altogether, but do reply, and keep it factual and neutral. That helps bring the conflict level down. It's worth watching whether the attacks and outbursts fade once they're allowed to fall flat, without a reaction.

If information from preschool, or about parent meetings at soccer, keeps stopping with your co-parent, update your contact details at the school and the club yourself — then there's nothing to accuse each other of. Someone who wants to fight reads everything that feeds the conflict as a win. By keeping your distance and staying neutral, you starve that fire of oxygen. Anger breeds anger, and for the children's sake, the work is to bring the conflicts down.

The Child Psychologist's Best Tips for Handling Badmouthing

Adjust How You Communicate

To avoid feeding the badmouthing and anger, close the contact channels that give your co-parent room to maneuver. You are not obligated to listen to accusations and bitter comments. Necessary communication about the children can run through the parent chat in the Co-parenting app. Stick to talking only about the children, and close the other channels — it keeps conflicts from escalating and keeps the children from hearing you argue.

Once the conflict has calmed down, you can try more relaxed forms of contact. If things get tense again, step back.

Limit In-Person Contact

Handle handovers through preschool or school. Ask a relative or a good friend to help with handovers on weekends and holidays so you don't have to meet for a while. You can also split your attendance at the children's games, Lucia processions, and graduations, so the children's big moments aren't overshadowed by tension between their parents.

Your Child Needs Time with Both Parents

The parent being badmouthed often worries that their own relationship with the children will suffer. That's when quality time matters most: it affirms the relationship, and the child gets to feel for themselves that the two of you are doing well together. Children are more easily swayed by gossip when they have no positive experiences of their own and are left with the other parent's narrative.

Help Your Child Understand What's Going On

Beyond having a good time together, your child also needs help dealing with the other parent's badmouthing. This is, of course, a tightrope walk. You must not deepen the disloyalty between you as parents — yet the child needs perspective and words for what's happening.

Talking about problems in your parent relationship is hard and sensitive. It's easy to look away and hope the child isn't affected. But children are keenly aware of what goes on between their parents. When a parent shows distrust of the other — openly or subtly — the child needs help putting words to it. Stay calm, and say only what benefits the child. If you catch yourself saying negative things about your co-parent, you've put the child in an even harder spot.

Younger Children

With younger children, you can approach the subject indirectly. You might say how good it is that everyone gets to like whomever they want. That love is amazing because it never runs out, even when you spread it across many people. Children may need to hear that they never have to choose — they can love you both. With very young children, you can try a story about how hard it can be for tiger moms to share their cubs with tiger dads, simply because they love their cubs so much.

Older Children

With older children, you can be more direct. Explain that adults can be deeply shaken by a divorce (or whatever you believe has affected your co-parent). Every child should know they have the right to feel calm and happy with both parents. If your child is open to talking, share how you see the situation and how you think it came about. Above all, talk about how you plan to change it. Humor and playfulness are great for turning sensitive moments around. And watch closely: if the child goes on the defensive, step back immediately.

Help Your Child Understand Intentions

Children are of course affected by what a parent says and does. An open climate for talking about hard things helps a child become freer. Even young children notice people's intentions, and talking about what might lie behind someone's feelings and behavior can help them make sense of the situation.

Dare to Be Open About Your Own Flaws

Children are usually loyal to everyone in their family, so their defenses may go up if they sense you're criticizing their other parent. It's especially sensitive if you put yourself on a high horse and struggle to admit your own shortcomings. Before touching on what might be hard for the other parent, it helps to be open about your own difficulties first. But be careful with the balance: soul-searching that feels good to you can still harm the child. The purpose of these conversations is to make things easier for the child — you can be authentic and honest without saying too much. Children make excellent guides here. Read your child's reactions, and step back and start over if they withdraw or get angry.

Stand by Your Words and Keep Your Promises

Sometimes things go wrong. Even if you promised your child to stay out of the conflicts and be respectful toward your co-parent, your temper can get the better of you. When it does, own it in front of your child, apologize, and keep trying. Being an adult doesn't mean never making mistakes — it means standing by them and working on not repeating them.

See Your Co-Parent Through Your Child's Eyes

When you're thoroughly tired of your co-parent and can't see their value, it can help to look at them through your child's eyes. In what ways do they matter to your child? What do they give the child, today and for the future? How do the two of you complement each other? Ask people around you to help list your co-parent's good sides. Seeing their merits makes it possible to understand them — and to speak of them supportively in front of the children.

Respect It If Your Child Keeps Their Two Worlds Apart

Many younger children who alternate between homes handle the transitions by mentally erasing the parent they're not currently with. Even parents with warm relationships describe children who don't say hello — or seem not to recognize them — when they cross paths in the "wrong" week. It can be a young child's way of managing longing: they switch off and live in the here and now instead of thinking about the person they miss. When one parent badmouths the other, this mechanism can actually protect the child. Even if the child is pressured to take the other parent's side, that pressure can dissolve in their other home.