Are You Being Targeted by Your Co-parent?

When you leave a long-term relationship, old negative patterns can follow you into the new parenting relationship. That drains the joy out of parenting and steals valuable energy. For the sake of both children and parents, toxic communication patterns need to stop.

Before we get into what you can do to turn a tough situation around, one thing must be clear. The responsibility for insults or attacks rests entirely with the person behaving unacceptably. It's equally important to know — and feel — that there are things you can do yourself to change a situation that isn't sustainable in the long run.

If you are subjected to criminal acts such as violence or threats, contact the police and/or social services for help.

Make a Plan

Step one is to become aware of what's happening and understand it. Step two is to act — by setting and holding boundaries.

1. Take Stock (Create Awareness)

1. What does your contact look like today? Do you meet, talk on the phone, communicate in writing?
2. How often are you in contact?
3. When, and how often, do conflicts or attacks occur?
4. What are they about? Are there specific triggers, or a general low-level bad atmosphere?
5. How do the conflicts or attacks start?
6. How do they affect you? How do you feel in general?
7. Has your child reacted in any particular way? How does your co-parent seem to be doing? Are they aware of their own behavior?

Write down your observations and gather your thoughts. If patterns emerge from the questions above, use them to change the contact between you.

2. Change the Way You Communicate (Act)

Handle All Contact Through the Co-parenting App

Gather everything about the children in the app and keep every other channel completely free of contact. It brings peace, more space, and a sense of control.

• Everything written in the app is saved and cannot be manipulated or changed afterwards.
• Every chat message passes through TalkSafe, the AI language filter, before it is sent. Milder toxic wording is flagged and the sender is shown a suggested rewrite — a chance to reconsider. The worst messages are blocked outright and never reach you. You can also turn on a stricter filter mode in Settings.
• Invite a trusted third adult into your chat thread. It's harder to drive conflict when someone else can see what's being said.

Communicate Only About Matters Concerning the Children

If you share custody (and there are no signs of abuse or similar), be sure to pass on information from school and other things the other parent needs to know — in the app. It shows that you understand your shared responsibility for the children and handle your cooperation respectfully, even while contact between you is otherwise limited.

If things turn unpleasant, end the conversation for the moment and say you'll get back to them later. Then get back to your co-parent the way you said you would — it calms the situation and puts you in control. If your plans change, let your co-parent know and follow up when you can.

If Needed, Limit Communication to a Set Time of Day or Week

This saves energy you can spend on the children — or yourself — instead of on your co-parent.

If Needed, Handle Handovers Through Daycare or School for a While

If your children are younger, get help from daycare or school with pick-ups and drop-offs. When daycare or school is closed, you can ask someone you both trust to help with handovers, so you don't have to see each other for a while.

Evaluate

After some time (ideally two to three months), take stock again and see where things stand. Hopefully your contact has improved significantly. If it's better but not yet good, give it another two to three months and evaluate once more.

If Your Co-parent Continues as Before

Continued harassment or intimidation can require support beyond a conversation between the parents. In Sweden, municipal family law services can assess whether cooperation talks are appropriate, while social services and the police have different protection and investigation roles. Joint talks or direct confrontation may be unsuitable where there is violence, threats or coercion.

Another option is to consult an experienced family law attorney who specializes in child disputes; it's good to understand your own position. At the same time, know that legal proceedings are very costly, both financially and emotionally. In some cases a dispute actually makes the situation worse rather than solving the problem. It has to be judged case by case.