How to Support Your Child During Parental Conflict

Talking Helps Children Make Sense of What Is Happening

When we talk about what is going on in our lives, we help children understand what they are experiencing in their family and with us as parents.

If there is conflict between you as parents, it is often wise to acknowledge it to your child. Children can understand that when people are angry, they sometimes say and do foolish things they don't mean — and that it can affect others even when that was never the intention.

Tell Your Child the Conflict Is Not Their Fault

Children need to hear that adults are always responsible for their own actions and arguments. It is never the child's job to resolve them, no matter what the conflict is about.

Parents Are Responsible, Not the Child

You can say something like: "Even though we as parents don't get along right now, it's our job to fix that — not yours. And the reason we don't get along has nothing to do with you." Acknowledge that you see how your adult conflicts affect your child.

Pay Close Attention to How You Express Yourself

A little tact goes a long way here. Talk about what is happening without going into details or burdening your child with too much information about your adult relationship. Oversharing can pull the child into the conflict instead of protecting them from it.

Avoid using the child as a sounding board for adult grievances. This does not mean concealing abuse or dismissing a child's account of harm; safety concerns should be acknowledged and appropriate support involved.

Put Your Own Needs Aside

For your child to confide in you, you need to set your own needs aside and listen. When you listen, focus on your child and their needs rather than your own situation. An adult who shows empathy and can reason and see the bigger picture is a huge help — especially if the child's own relationship with the other parent is difficult.

Keep Talking and Checking In With Your Child

When our own lives are hard, we adults can forget to talk to our children. We may also be afraid to ask how they are doing because we don't want to hear that they might be sad or upset. It can feel easier to tell ourselves not to intrude — surely the child will come to us if they need something. But research shows that children want us to ask and to show that we care, again and again and again. Talking with your child helps you understand how to support and protect them, and it makes them feel less alone if they are struggling.

If Your Child Feels Low for a Long Time, Get Outside Help

For some children, parental conflict and separation are so hard that they cannot feel okay without outside help. Sometimes it is a combination of things happening at home and at school or with friends. In that case, help your child talk to an outside adult with experience counseling children. In Sweden, possible support routes include school health services, youth clinics (ungdomsmottagningar) and BUP (child and adolescent psychiatry). Access and referral requirements vary; the country comparison describes support routes elsewhere.

Summary

• Help your child make sense of the situation by talking about what is happening.
• Acknowledge that you see how the arguments affect your child.
• Put your own needs aside when talking with your child and listen when they talk to you — without interrupting or defending yourself.
• Children need to be told that parental conflicts are never their fault.
• Stick to the facts and don't drag your child into your conflicts by oversharing what is happening between you as adults.
• Never speak ill of your child's other parent.
• Keep talking, checking in and listening to how your child is doing over time.
• If your child feels low for a long time — get outside help!