A New Kind of Parenting - Ideally as a Team

Find Balance and a Healthy Distance

When researchers interviewed recently separated parents, many described the freedom and joy of finally parenting their own way, without having to compromise. That feeling is worth cherishing. The art is to also build the kind of communication that carries your children between you and your co-parent. Creating a healthy distance from the other person's parenting can be hard. Few of us have the privilege of absolute trust in each other, and it's natural to get caught up in fantasies about what might be lacking in the other home — that the other parent is emotionally absent, a poor cook, unable to keep the child's routines, or that the child is longing for you. Fantasies like these drain your energy.

Practice Letting Go and Taking Responsibility

You cannot influence how your children have it in their other home without your co-parent's blessing, so you have to train yourself to let go. Trust that the other parent will grow into their role — or find ways to communicate so you can share your concerns and, hopefully, be reassured.

To make this easier, agree on how much insight you each get into the other's parenting, and how much right you have to comment on it. The same rules must apply to both of you. A basic rule is to respect each other's privacy when it comes to what happens in the other home and during the other parent's time with the child. If one of you needs more distance and clearer boundaries, that need takes precedence. Later, once your parenting team is established, the boundaries can loosen.

Your Differences Give Your Child a Wider World

Even parents who live together do things differently. Kids know their parents aren't equally willing to hand out ice cream after dinner, even when the fridge is in a shared home. Over time, the differences between your two homes will probably grow. You are each developing in your own direction, and the kids get used to the fact that you don't do things the same way. The upside is that they gain broad experience and can find their own path with the help of your different interests, standpoints, and perspectives on the world.

If the gap between your homes becomes too wide, however, it can confuse your children and make them feel insecure. Too much of their energy goes into adapting to your different standards.

Shared Rules in Both Homes

Consistent routines often help young children. It makes sense, for example, to give up the pacifier in both homes at the same time. Common rules can also reduce the risk of teenagers playing you off against each other to dodge boundaries altogether.

Base the rules between you on what works best for your child. Some children need the security of consistent routines. Others are more bohemian and enjoy that things work differently in each home. Can they handle the fact that you do and think differently? Would they feel better if you compromised and aligned more? Coordinate by keeping an ongoing conversation about your child's needs and stages of development.

If You Are Worried About the Care in the Other Home

If you are worried that your co-parent is not providing the care your child needs, take action and seek support. You can contact familjerätten (Family Law Services) in your kommun (municipality), which offers both individual and joint cooperation talks. There you can voice your worries and get an outside view of the situation. If your worry is acute, contact social services (socialtjänsten) in your kommun instead; they will open an assessment of the child's situation and take measures if needed.

Summary

• Cooperation is easier when there is basic trust between you and each of you does your part.
• A basic rule is to respect each other's privacy about what happens in the other home and during the other parent's time with the child.
• Children can be enriched by their parents' differences — but if the gap is too wide, it becomes hard on them. Then it's time to talk about how to compromise for your child's sake.
• If you are worried that your co-parent is failing in their care, react and seek support from familjerätten (Family Law Services) or social services.