Why Parental Cooperation Is Important

From love relationship to co-parenting team

After a separation, parents need to turn their former partnership into a parenting team built around their child. What matters to the child is not only that each parent takes care of them — plays, cooks, scolds sometimes, reads bedtime stories, and picks them up after basketball practice — but also how the parents treat each other. That plays a surprisingly large role for the child. While you each build a new home and family life, you also need to build the structure that carries the child between you: a sustainable network of communication and collaboration. A parenting team helps the child put their world together and creates the feeling that you are parents together, no matter where anyone lives. You may find new partners, get angry with each other, and sometimes communicate only by email — but you will go on being parents together.

For the child, what has happened in your adult relationship is less important than the fact that you are their parents.

Malin Bergström, Child psychologist and associate professor

Cooperation makes life easier for your child

Being part of a team doesn't mean you'll instantly become a communication powerhouse — it means you're investing in keeping the channels open. If contact still isn't as smooth as you'd like, say so. By naming the difficulties, you show your child that you see them and are working on better ways to handle them.

Playing as a team instead of as two solo players doesn't require close contact or frequent meetings. It's about having two sets of eyes on the child and making use of each other's observations. With your different personalities and relationships with the child, you each bring something different to the table — which raises the odds that your child gets what they need. A co-parenting team doesn't work against each other; it backs up each other's parenting, because raising the child is a shared task. Some separated couples fight until the fur flies, while others never raise their voices and keep a polite distance — just like parents who live together. The point is that the child gets to live in one world in their mind, even though they live in two homes.

Sort out what belongs to the couple — and what belongs to parenting

Moving from couple to co-parenting team means being loyal to each other as parents, for your child's sake. That does not mean forgiving or accepting whatever betrayal may have been part of the divorce, even if being asked to cooperate can feel like a mockery. It is perfectly normal to be upset, to grieve, and to be angry about what you've been through. But infidelity and lies belong to the couple relationship — the one you are now ending. The parenting relationship should continue and keep developing so that it benefits your child. To help your child adjust after the divorce, you need to be clear with yourself about what belongs to the couple relationship and what belongs to parenting.

Seeing your co-parent with new eyes

Being loyal to your co-parent means accepting that people have many sides. It is entirely possible to be a hopeless romantic partner and still an okay parent. Insights like that require you to keep dealing with someone you find difficult — and it helps to remind yourself that you are doing it for your child.

Try looking at your co-parent through your child's eyes: as someone they love and need. That view can give you the motivation to build the parenting team.

The benefits of a stable co-parenting team

• A parenting team makes everyday life easier for parents who don't live together.
• Your child won't have to carry messages between you.
• Older children and teenagers have a harder time getting away with things they shouldn't.
• The two people who love the child most can sometimes take joy in them together — which is good for the child's self-esteem.
• You are less worn down by difficult periods of defiance or teenage quarrels.
• It helps the child build good relationships with both parents — and being an attachment figure is one of the most important ways to help your child form other secure relationships.
• It relieves the child of adult responsibilities like planning, coordinating, and logistics.

Summary

• For the child, what happened between you as a couple matters less than the fact that you are their parents.
• A parenting team doesn't work against each other; it supports each other's parenting — a shared mission.
• Part of moving from loving couple to parenting team is being loyal to each other as parents, for the child's sake.
• A secure parenting team lets the child live in one world in their mind, even though they live in two homes. When the team works, the advantages for the child are many — simply put, a functioning parenting team makes a decisive difference to a child's well-being and development.