How to Build Trust With Your Child

Talk About What You Are Going Through

Invite your child to talk about the changes coming to their family — for example, by looking at a picture from last summer together. You can point out that this year will be different, with each parent taking turns spending time with the children. Talking about what has happened and what comes next helps your child piece together their own picture of the family change.

Be Aware of Your Own Feelings

It's hard for children to open up to an adult who is angry or seems deeply sad themselves. So before a big conversation, take stock of how you're doing. If you're too upset to listen calmly, wait, or return to the subject once you've collected yourself. Your calm is what makes it safe for your child to talk.

Acknowledge That You Understand

Often it's best to just listen. Take your child's feelings seriously, without offering advice, explanations, or opinions about how they should feel instead. Put yourself in your child's situation and show that you understand. You can even try putting the feelings into words: "When you tell me this, you seem stressed and worried about moving between us — is that right?" Conversations like these help children understand more of what they're feeling and thinking.

The Conversation Is About Your Child's Perspective — Not Your Own

You may have your own need to feel understood for how you've acted during the separation, but if your child is angry or accusing, avoid getting defensive. When you feel the urge to explain how things really are, bite your tongue. The goal is not for your child to share your picture of the divorce — it's for you to hear how your child experiences it. The temptation to describe what has happened between you parents can be strong, but only share what actually benefits the child.

Let your child finish talking without interrupting. Check that you've understood correctly, and ask whether they want to hear your view before you give it. Ask follow-up questions that can't be answered with a simple yes or no — questions that invite more storytelling. To show you're listening, you can hum, nod, or say things like "And then...?", "How does that make you feel?", "What do you think about it?"

Try to Understand the Feelings Behind the Words

Do you find it hard to listen and keep a good conversation going? Try focusing on the emotional undertones in what your child says. A long complaint about dragging the floorball stick and sports clothes between homes may really be about feeling sad about the divorce. If you can catch the feelings behind the words, the conversation can leave your child feeling understood and validated.

Compare that with explaining that everyone simply has to bite the bullet now that dad has chosen to move — the feeling after the conversation is completely different. So let your follow-up questions focus on what your child feels: "Does that mean you're sad and angry that you have to live in two places and deal with everything that comes with it?"

Talk About Your Co-parent

If your child chooses to talk about their other parent, listen without bringing in your own emotions and opinions. Try to understand together what has happened between them and what feels difficult. When your child tells you about their other parent, they are placing trust in you. Managing that trust is a balancing act between loyalty to your co-parent and loyalty to your child. You would of course never use such a confidence as an opening to slander, rage at, or badmouth your co-parent. But nor should you sell your child short by always siding strictly with the other parent.

The balance lies in validating your child's feelings — perhaps drawing on your own knowledge of your co-parent — without being disloyal to them. Instead of suggesting solutions, you can encourage your child to talk to their other parent, if you believe that's a realistic option. If your co-parent has behaved badly, you can ask whether the two of you should raise it with them together, or whether you should bring it up with your co-parent yourself. Respect how your child wants it handled.

Summary: Building Trust With Your Child

• Talking about what has happened and what comes next makes everyday life understandable for children. It helps them grasp what is happening and why.
• Be aware of your own emotions: it is hard for children to talk to an adult who is angry or seems very sad themselves.
• Remember that the main focus of the conversation is your child — not you.
• Notice when your focus drifts to your own emotions or perspective.
• Ask yourself what the complaining about dragging the hockey stick back and forth is really about for your child.
• Talk about your co-parent. Give your child support if they need it — there are many ways to do that.