How Should We Communicate About the Children?

Think “Work Colleague”

If you find it hard to stay neutral with your co-parent, try treating them the way you would a colleague you struggle to get along with. Be "professional" — and avoid slipping into the role of either the boss or the assistant.

Neither of you has the right to be bossy — not if you feel wronged or guilty, and not even if you were the one who spent more time with the children during your relationship. Communication usually works best when you approach each other as equals. Discuss and reason together rather than giving orders or making demands; that tends to keep conflict to a minimum.

Did You Know? The Co-parenting app has no admin role, so both parents have equal space and influence in the app. That makes it easier to plan your own time, share information you would have written down for yourself anyway, and build trust between you and your co-parent.

Focus on What You Can Control — Your Own Behavior

Direct your energy toward what you can control: how the children are doing when they’re with you, and how you communicate with your co-parent. Instead of pushing advice or stepping in as the "voice of the child," ask whether you may offer a suggestion or share your thoughts. If your co-parent declines, respect that decision.

Agree on How You Will Communicate

If communication between you and your co-parent is strained, it helps both you and the children to agree on what you’ll communicate about (the children, practical matters) and how you’ll do it.

Tip! Use the app’s tools to plan and share information — and run everything through the app if you need some extra space from each other right now. That leaves you more time and energy for other things, like the children. The Co-parenting app lets you decide together (or on your own) which topics are strictly about the children, and stick to those.

How Much Communication Should Parents Have?

You may need more frequent communication if...

• You’re used to being closely involved as parents.
• One of you isn’t accustomed to having the children on their own.
• It’s unfamiliar for one or both of you to be apart from the children.
• One of you is used to being in control.
• One of you is particularly vulnerable, down, or unwell.

You might need less contact (and be more businesslike in your communication) if...

• Conversations often lead to arguments.
• Communication drains the energy of either parent.
• One of you feels afraid or unsafe when communicating with the other.
• One of you tends to act impulsively or be driven by emotions.
• One of you is used to being in control and insists on keeping that control.

Communicating with the Children on the Other Parent’s Days

Depending on the children's ages, it’s wise to agree as a parenting team on how and when contact should happen while the children are with the other parent. The children’s needs come first, of course, but there are a few other factors to weigh in.

It’s sweet when a parent reaches out because they miss their child or want to show they’re thinking of them — but it can sometimes disturb the child’s adjustment, or keep them from “settling in” with the other parent. It’s usually better to let the children take the initiative.

If the children are school-aged and have their own phones, they can manage the contact themselves. Keep in mind that it’s not uncommon for children to “switch off” the parent they’re not currently with.

Children are often sensitive to their parents’ emotions. They may avoid contact if they sense that the parent they’re with gets upset or sad. In those cases, children can suppress their own needs to protect and comfort that parent.

Agree on Who Calls and When

Many parenting teams set a basic rule that the child initiates contact. You can also agree on set times for calling or video chats. Be considerate of what works for the parent the children are with at the time. Some parents agree that the parent with the children first checks with the other parent whether it’s a good moment for the children to call.

There’s no right or wrong here, as long as you can agree and both you and the children feel it’s working. But if the contact stirs up negative emotions and becomes distressing for the children, set up a clear structure for communication with the child — and stick to it.