When Your Child Ignores You or Turns to the "Wrong" Parent

Ignoring You Can Be the Child's Way of Protecting Themselves

It's common for children to ignore the parent they aren't currently staying with. Your child might not say hi if you run into each other in public — they look away, or look right through you. Others refuse to talk on the phone or on video calls. This is a child's way of managing a new family situation: mentally putting away the parent they aren't with right now. It protects them from starting to miss you, and that protection deserves respect.

The Behavior Is About Your Child's Needs — Not About You

Being ignored by your own child can hurt, especially in the middle of a separation when you may be struggling yourself. Try to remember that your child's behavior is most likely about their own needs — not a rejection of you as a parent. Later, you can talk about it: "When we met in the store, sweetheart, you didn't want to look at me. I waved a little anyway."

It's also wise to hold back on calling when your child doesn't want to talk. A better approach is to agree with the other parent that the child calls when they feel like it. Perhaps you message first, so the other parent can make sure you're available if the child wants to reach out.

Different Parents for Different Things

Children often turn to the parent they're staying with at the moment, but they can also prefer each parent for different things. One provides the fun activities; the other gets all the confidences. Maybe the child wants mom at the swim meet even though it's dad's weekend — "she's so good at cheering," and she knows the other parents on the team. Maybe the child calls dad when something feels hard, even though it's mom's week.

How to Handle Your Child's Preferences

Parents can find their child's choices unfair, and that can stir up anger and jealousy. But fighting with your child, or scolding your co-parent for creating the unfairness, is hardly mature parenting. On the contrary — I think you should be glad your child is brave enough to show what they want and need.

Too often, children adapt to what they think their parents want. That doesn't mean you have to accept the role your child has assigned you forever. You can't change your child or your co-parent — but you can change yourself.

Summary

• If your child is ignoring you, it may be a defense mechanism.
• The behavior is about the child's needs — not about you as a parent.
• Parents are different, and children turn to the parent they need most at that moment.

Try to be glad your child can show what they need. If you want to change the situation in a positive way, spend more time with your child and focus on the things they find interesting and fun. Be patient.