Co-Parenting Agreements Make Life Easier

How Agreements Help You Move Forward

Change and transitions are hard on our emotions and energy. One way to take care of yourself, your child, and your co-parent is to reach clear agreements. They set the right expectations and make it obvious who does what and what everyone can count on. That frees up energy and creates space for recovery — and for processing the separation.

Agreement: Contact With the Kids

Agree on what contact with your child should look like while they're with their other parent. The basic principle, of course, is that the child's needs come first. As long as the contact is easy and untroubled, all is well. Maybe a parent wants to reach out to show the child they're in their thoughts. That's lovely — but if the contact disturbs the child's adjustment or keeps them from settling in with their other parent, it's better to let the child take the initiative. Ask your co-parent whether the child wants to call after dinner, for example. From school age, most children today have their own cell phones and can manage the contact themselves. Still, it's not unusual for children to "shut off" the parent they're not currently with — or, in other periods, to want frequent contact. Keep communication open and honest between everyone involved, so that everyone's needs are met.

If the parent relationship is strained, it's important to find conflict-free ways for your child to stay in touch. For many families, the easiest basic rule is that the child initiates contact. You can also agree on set times to call or video chat, and respect what works for the parent the child is staying with. Children are sensitive to atmosphere and may avoid contact if they sense it upsets the parent they're with — they'll push their own needs aside to spare you. So take responsibility for your behavior if you know the contact stirs you up. Step away and do something else while your child talks or video chats with their other parent, and don't quiz them about the call. Do something cozy together afterwards instead, especially if your child seems sad or is missing their other parent.

Agreement: How We Parents Communicate

It helps if you and your co-parent can agree both on what your communication should focus on (the child, practical matters) and on how you communicate. Different channels suit different kinds of messages. For as long as contact between you feels tense, it pays to have this agreed.

SMS/Phone

For quick updates and questions, text messages with photos of your child can help a parent who is missing them, struggling to relax, or finding it hard not to reach out during a transition. Agree on when such texts are welcome — and stick to what you've agreed.

If contact is strained, it's best to reserve phone calls for urgent matters or scheduled conversations about things that can't be solved by email. Maybe you check in about the child at a set time each week.

Digital Tools

Digital tools like Co-parenting are an effective way to keep communication focused on the children. In the app you can build the child's living schedule, divide and take responsibility for child-related tasks, check off items on the packing list, and keep conversations in the chat. Take advantage of TalkSafe, the AI filter that checks messages for toxic language before they're sent. As the children get older, the app helps them pack their own bag, talk with both parents in the same chat, and raise the issues that matter to them.

Meetings

Meeting in person is great if you can. But if it's uncomfortable, or there's a risk of conflict or of your child getting upset, it's better to communicate and handle handovers another way. To stay aligned, you can meet a couple of times a year without your child to talk through their wellbeing, living schedule, preschool or school, extracurricular activities, and holidays. Choose a neutral place, set a start and end time, and prepare by thinking through what you want to bring up. Beyond the practical, these meetings can also soften your old images of each other — hopefully replaced, over time, with new and positive ones.

Agreement: Who Attends the Child's Activities

Lucia processions, summer camps, gymnastics displays, and football matches are the highlights of childhood. If you find it hard to relax around each other, take turns attending. The same can apply to parent meetings and progress talks at school. It can be tense for your child to see you at opposite ends of the hall at the end-of-year ceremony and have to choose who to run to afterwards. Better to split it: one of you attends the ceremony, and the other joins for ice cream afterwards.

There is absolutely no place for surprises, conflict, or anything but a relaxed and pleasant atmosphere at your child's activities! Your child's big moments should be celebrated for what they are. These occasions can be stressful for children — performing in a Christmas play is nerve-wracking even without a solo. And since children use us parents for different things, your child may need to bring the parent who is best at helping them relax. That means strict schedules where you take turns at each activity might need adjusting for your child's sake.

It bears repeating: these are the child's highlights, not the parents'.

Agreement: Do We Spend Time Together?

If spending time together works, that's great! Meeting up now and then won't confuse your child — it can be a natural way for them to experience being part of a family.

Prepare for those occasions: "On Saturday, Mom and I thought we'd have dinner together with you." If you sense your child might want to stay with, or follow, the parent they're not currently living with, prepare the child — and yourselves — in advance for how to handle it. Either it's fine for the child to decide, or you agree beforehand on how it will go. Even when spending time together isn't possible, it's good to prepare your child. You might say: "Dad and I won't go to the football game together tonight, because we've been a bit cross with each other and want to let things settle before we meet again."

If you or your co-parent feels it's too hard to meet and socialize right now, that must be respected. Time and a little space can make it possible later on.