Separation
Checklist: Separating With Children
Separating with children? A checklist of what to sort out first: where everyone lives, the schedule, handovers, money, sick days, and what to tell the kids.
When Children Cope "Extra Well" After a Separation
Some children respond to their parents' separation by putting on a brave face — becoming extra responsible, helpful, and high-achieving. Here's what to watch for, and how to help your child let go.
What Does "Extra Well" Look Like?
Children respond to their parents' separation in different ways. Some react to the breakup and the new family structure by putting on a brave face and becoming responsible and hardworking. They may not want to burden a sad, tired parent with the fact that school is hard, that the separation makes them sad, or that they need their parents in other ways. For other children, it's about keeping their focus on something they can control, such as their performance in school or in a sport. That can turn into a stressful performance loop that has to keep running for the child to feel calm and in control. Encourage your children to talk to you about how they're feeling, and let them know you are there to listen, no matter what.
Help Your Child Relax
It can be a relief for you as a parent when your child is "functioning well" — taking responsibility and performing at their best. It signals that everything is fine even though your child has been through their parents' separation. But watch out if your child stays in that role for a long time. Then they need you to step in with more structure and relief, so they can relax and let you carry the load again.
Tips: What You Can Do as a Parent
- Think about what drives your child to take responsibility and perform. Is it joy, belonging, and healthy growth? Or do you sense stress whenever your child doesn't get to perform, plan, or take charge?
- Spend time together doing things that have nothing to do with responsibility or achievement — and see what happens.
- Talk with your child and hold back your own opinions and criticism. Listen, and really take in what your child has to say!
Malin Bergström Child psychologist, associate professor and author
27 August 2026
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