Separation
Checklist: Separating With Children
Separating with children? A checklist of what to sort out first: where everyone lives, the schedule, handovers, money, sick days, and what to tell the kids.
When a Parent Disappears from a Child’s Life
When a parent drifts out of a child's life after a separation, the child is left with painful questions — even if that parent was never very involved. Here's how to support your child through the loss.
The Child Needs Support When a Parent Disappears
The risk of a parent disappearing from a child's life after a divorce is higher when that parent wasn't involved in the child's everyday life while the family lived together — for example, if they chose not to take parental leave. But losing contact raises hard questions for the child even when the parent was never very engaged.
Losing a parent or another important adult can deeply affect a child's life and well-being. Children need help from the parent who remains to talk through and process their feelings. Your child may wonder why they were abandoned, and whether that means they don't matter. Explaining why the other parent cannot — or does not want to — see them is not badmouthing; it's a conversation the child needs. Talking about hard things makes the situation understandable. When you help your child put their experiences into words, you also help them make sense of their own reactions and emotions.
Be Ready When the Child Wants to Talk
Respect it if your child doesn't want to talk, but gently return to the subject now and then to see whether a conversation can get started. Be prepared for questions to surface at unexpected moments — in the checkout line, say. Try to meet your child's need right then, even if you can't go into detail, and pick the conversation back up at a calmer moment soon afterwards, while the door is still open.
When the Child Is the One Who Cuts Off Contact
Sometimes it is the child who breaks off contact. It may be temporary anger at the parent who left the family or found a new partner — or it may be because the relationship with that adult is harmful or even dangerous. In this situation, too, the child needs support: room to talk about the disappointment, anger, or fear they are carrying. Offer security by being available to talk whenever your child wants to, or by simply spending time together.
Talking About the Absent Parent Gives the Child Context
Ignoring a missing parent is neither desirable nor really possible. Many children know too little about their absent parent and fill the gap with a fantasy that can be far from reality. That fantasy may bring comfort, but it is a poor substitute for a parent. Helping to fill the void, and giving your child a sense of where they come from, means a great deal. Even when clear answers aren't possible, a story you build together is worth far more than one the child is left to invent alone.
Malin Bergström Child psychologist, associate professor and author
27 August 2026
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