Children's Grief, Anxiety, and Depression After Divorce

How Sadness, Worry, and Depression Show Up in Children

Many children become anxious when their parents separate. School-aged children may feel guilty about things they've done and link them to the separation — "Would everything have been different if I had argued less?" A child may also carry a general unease in their body that they can't quite put into words. These thoughts can be frightening, and they may wonder whether what they feel is "normal."

Teenagers can feel guilty too, wondering if they are feeling the "right" or "wrong" way. Some think they should feel sadder and are scared by their lack of emotion; others worry their reaction was too strong and has weighed on their parents or siblings. Remind children that it is perfectly normal to feel scared and confused during a divorce — and that there is always someone to talk to about it.

Adults Need to Show the Way Forward

Even for older children and teenagers, divorce may be the first hard thing that has ever happened to them. They haven't yet built strategies for dealing with difficulty, and they have no experience of getting through a rough patch and feeling good again. An adult needs to affirm that life includes tough periods — and that you can move forward and see life positively again. A child may believe everything has changed forever and, for a while, lose hope; some say nothing matters anymore after the divorce. That is a normal reaction to sadness, but it carries a risk if it leads to negative choices, like neglecting schoolwork or withdrawing from friends.

Identify What the Worry Is Really About

To help your child, you first need to work out what the worry and grief are really about. What is your child grieving? Is something in their everyday life not working? Is the worry about money, having to move, or forgetting their things between homes? About being forgotten when parents find new partners, about the future, or about being a "divorce kid"? About how the parents themselves are doing (is mom lonely? does dad drink?), or about unfairness between the parents — money, a new partner, one of them keeping the home? Does the child feel invisible, as if no one has energy for them? Or are they holding back because they don't want to burden parents who are already struggling?

Open the Door to Conversation

Even if you have many questions you'd love answered, it's usually better to listen than to bombard your child with them. When you make room for conversation and show that you're there, the chances grow that your child will share their worries with you.

Give the Kind of Support Your Child Actually Wants

To help, you first need to understand what kind of support your child wants. Do they want to talk — or do they need a rest from the pain and a chance to think about something else? Maybe you do something fun together, or they listen to music or meet friends. Being around other people helps when you're worried and sad. Sometimes you simply have to ask straight out: "Do you want me to help you in the mornings so you get to school on time?"

Practical support helps a child relax. Predictability, routines, and more physical closeness usually work well — a child who had grown "too big" to cuddle up next to on the sofa may need that extra security again. Older children and teenagers may need help with logistics, both practical and emotional, if they're worried about a move or about how an older sibling is doing. Encouraging them to invite friends over, or arranging a dinner with friends and their parents, can help break a drift toward isolation.

Give Hope for a Better Future

Many children worry about a parent who is struggling after the separation. Be honest that you are sad or worried, but reassure them that you can handle your feelings, that you can get help processing them, and that you will feel better. Children may also need someone outside the immediate family to talk to — a relative, a family friend, the school nurse, a social worker, or a support group for children of divorce. For a worried, sad child, the most important thing of all is hope that things will get better in the long run.

Summary

• Many children become anxious when their parents move apart. The feelings often show up as guilt and thoughts about right and wrong.
• Adults need to show children that life can be tough — and that there is a way forward.
• Identify the feelings and find out what's behind them: money, the future, or how the parents are doing.
• Make time to hang out often, in short and long stretches, and listen to what your child has to say.
• Meet each child where they are — closeness for younger children, practical help for teenagers.
• Children need to feel that things will work out — give your child hope!