Shared Parenting for Babies and Toddlers

Children Do Best With a Connection to Both Parents

For New Parents, Letting Go Is Hard

It is completely natural for new parents to long for peace and quiet with their baby. If you're trying to get breastfeeding or feeding established, the other parent's wish to care for the child can almost feel like an intrusion. As a new parent, you are caught in a field of biological, psychological, and social forces that make you especially emotional and vulnerable. The thought of being away from your baby can stir up anxiety and anger — feelings that grow stronger if there are questions or demands about alternating living for a small baby.

A Newborn Needs Both Parents From the Start

From your child's perspective, being cared for by both parents from the beginning matters. A parent who is engaged early is more likely to stay present as a parent. And when each parent cares for the child on their own, that parent's responsiveness is awakened and the child's attachment to them is activated.

The attachment system switches on when the child is sad, tired, or hungry and seeks comfort, protection, and consolation. When a father calms his child, for example, oxytocin is released in his body and his emotional responsiveness to the child increases. If the mother is always present and "steps in," nothing happens between father and child — which risks cementing his role as less important than the mother's, even when the child is older.

Historically, mothers' head start in contact with children has contributed to many children losing touch with their father after a separation. Thanks to changing norms and behaviors, that trend is beginning to shift.

Babies Attach to Both Parents in Parallel

Losing contact with a parent is hard for children, even when that parent has played a minor role. Today we know that children's attachment relationships with both parents develop in parallel during the first years. It is entirely natural for them to exist side by side — as long as both parents get the chance to care for the child alone. That is a good starting point when you later consider alternating living.

Are Overnight Stays in Two Homes Good for the Youngest Children?

When we plan where small children will stay and sleep, we have to lean on experience and theory, because solid scientific evidence is lacking.

What seems best for the child is to build trust with both parents gradually. Before the baby lives and sleeps in both homes, take turns being with the child during the day — and switch often.

If you separate during the baby's first year, start from how you divided responsibility for your child before the separation. If you are equally practiced at caring for the child and the child turns to both of you, take turns. Start with short periods and increase the time with each parent as it starts to work. Think hours, not days, for the first six months after the separation.

If you can't see each other as often, it may take longer for the parent-child relationship to settle in. There's no harm in that — that's life. But you need to account for it: it will often take longer before the child can spend extended periods with that parent, and the same goes for overnight stays. Children and parents have different needs. What matters most is that you and your child find your way — and enjoy it.

Trusting Each Other With the Baby at Night

Having the child every other night can be emotionally challenging when you have separated — or perhaps never lived together — because you tend to trust each other's parenting less than couples living under the same roof do. That's why it's important for the parent who has had the child most in the beginning to stay available in case the child wakes up sad.

It can be hard for the other parent to understand why nights feel so sensitive — after all, everyone is supposed to be asleep. If one parent struggles to let go, it helps if the other is soft and receptive to the child's needs. You can acknowledge your co-parent's worry while assuring them that the child will be comforted and cared for on waking. But for the worry to fade, the other parent must be given the chance to try — and to find their own ways of calming the child at night.

Make a Long-Term Plan With Your Co-parent

If you feel separation anxiety and fear every time you leave your child at daycare, your child's chances of thriving there suffer. In the same way, your child can react badly to a lack of respect and trust between you during overnight stays.

The best approach is to talk it through and agree on a long-term plan — a gradual ramp-up everyone can live with. Show respect for each other's feelings and needs. Explain why you react the way you do, and tell each other about your fears. No one is a professional at caring for a child at first, so share your experiences, including the times you couldn't comfort or calm the child. Ironically, it can be easier to trust the parent who dares to show insecurity than the one who never does. Stay humble, too, about the fact that your child has a personality and a will of their own: the plan must follow the child's needs. There may be phases when your child prefers mom, and phases when they prefer dad — and a child with a cold may want one parent more than the other until they're well again.