Separation Can Lead to Feelings of Loss

Imagine Life After the Divorce

On the other side of the divorce, life may settle onto a new, stable foundation. Until then, the thought of everything lost in the separation can sting. When the feeling of endless loss is at its strongest, it helps to hold on to the thought of a better life ahead, for you and your children — even if it takes months or half a year to get there. So create a vision or a daydream to escape to. Perhaps it's a cozy new home where everyday life feels steady again. Maybe you picture a new romance — someone who lights up your life and makes you feel alive and attractive.

Losing Your Identity as Part of a Couple

Losing a relationship can feel like losing a part of yourself. You might barely remember who you were without your partner. When a relationship ends, you have to reclaim an identity of your own. Relationships shape us, and when they end, other sides of our personality get room to grow. Loneliness can hang over you and color your view of the world, and building a new identity without your partner can take a long time. Fear, confusion, and bitterness are often intense at first and need to subside before anything new can take root. In the long run, it takes a conscious effort to move forward rather than get stuck in loss and bitterness. People who have been through this process often describe maturing and finding a new security in themselves.

Everything Your Partner Did at Home

Losing your partner can also mean having to learn new practical skills. If you're inexperienced, everyday chores like paying bills or cooking dinner can feel overwhelming. Getting an overview of what your partner used to handle can actually help you grow: make a list of what you need to learn and start with whatever seems simplest. With every success, your confidence and competence grow.

Losing Financial Security

The standard of living you had as a couple changes when the same money has to cover two homes. Especially if you didn't want the separation, losing the financial security you were used to can be painful. It might feel trivial or superficial to mourn a house or an apartment, but the home often symbolizes the dreams and ambitions you shared as a couple and as parents. And the financial worry isn't only about you: guilt toward the children is common, and the thought that they are affected financially can make those feelings even heavier.

No Longer Being a Nuclear Family

It can also feel like a loss to no longer belong to a nuclear family. Even if we hold no judgments about what kinds of families are acceptable for others, our open-mindedness can falter when it comes to ourselves. Being divorced or single can feel like a failure — as if you were selfish and didn't put the children first, as if marital status said something about your character. You may also lose a social safety net, or a social position you took for granted as part of a couple.

Summary: The Losses a Separation Brings

• Separations involve losses for both children and adults. If we parents are aware of our children's losses, we can soften them in different ways — for instance by helping the child keep seeing their aunt after a move farther away.
• To help our children, we also need to process our own losses.
• Losses can include financial security, everything your partner did at home, and your identity as part of a couple. When the loss stings the most, it helps to create a vision of a better future to rest in emotionally.