How Are You Feeling? Support for Kids When Parents Divorce

For Most Kids, It Gets a Little Worse Before It Gets Better

It’s common for things to feel chaotic when parents get divorced. Everyone in the family might be struggling at the same time. There are also many practical changes to deal with—moving, possibly switching schools, and getting used to not seeing both parents at the same time. It’s easy to think that life and your family will be chaotic forever. But luckily, that’s not the case. On the other side of the divorce, there’s a new normal. It’s different, but it doesn’t have to be worse. Most parents decide to divorce because they want the family to function better. It can be hard to hold onto that hope when everything is upside down, but for most kids, things do get better after a while.

It’s Never the Child’s Fault When Parents Divorce

Some kids wonder if they did something that caused their parents to want to separate. But that’s not true. A divorce is always about how the parents are getting along with each other. Sometimes it’s about their relationship as a couple—they might argue, not have fun together, want different things, or struggle to feel relaxed and happy together. Other times, it’s more about how they handle parenting and the challenges that come with it.

Some parents feel like they’re doing everything on their own, while others feel the other parent is too controlling and think it would be easier if they could just make decisions on their own. There are almost as many reasons for divorce as there are families. But one thing is true for all families: It’s never the child’s fault when parents decide to divorce.

Calm Moments Can Help a Little

When everything is hectic and chaotic in the family, it’s important to have moments of peace together—ideally every day. When nothing else feels normal, it’s even more important to have at least one thing that stays the same. Maybe it’s having your favorite breakfast sandwich to start the day calmly, with a feeling that at least something is as it should be. Maybe it’s having a snack together in the evening and talking about the day, or having your parent sit by your bed at night, like they did when you were younger. When life is tough, these small routines become important. And it means a lot when parents take the time to ask, “How are you?”

A Safe Place That’s Yours

When your parents are divorcing, you might not even know where you’ll be living or how often you’ll get to see each parent. If you’re feeling worried and sad, it’s extra important to have a place where you can retreat, somewhere you feel safe. For many, that place is their bed. It can also help to figure out activities that make you feel calm. Maybe you relax by watching something on your phone or computer. Maybe it helps if someone gives you a massage or scratches your back. For some, imagining a cozy place or remembering nice things you’ve done can make a difference. Finding your safe place and the activities that comfort you can make you feel less anxious and help create a sense of security.