Two Homes – What Does the Research Say?

Everyday Contact Is Crucial for Growing Children

In no other country is alternating residence as common as in Sweden. In many parts of the world, divorce means children lose touch with their fathers while living full time with their mothers. That is hard on children, because everyday contact sits at the heart of parenting: knowing their friends' names, cheering at their matches, comforting them, helping with homework.

When a child loses everyday contact with a parent, the daily commitment and support disappear — along with much else that parent offers, like their interests, friends, relatives, and spontaneous conversations. Researchers often talk about the resources children need and risk losing in a divorce. Resources are not only money: they are emotional closeness, commitment, networks, and knowledge.

Children's Views on Living in Two Homes

Children generally don't seem to find living in two homes all that difficult — at least not when the parents communicate and cooperate enough to create continuity between the homes. Most children get used to it. When researchers interview children in alternating residence, the children confirm that forgetting their things is a pain, but say it's worth it: to them, alternating between homes is still the best arrangement. It may also be that living this way is so natural to them that they never stop to imagine a different life.

Many adults split their time between a country house and their everyday home — perhaps that life resembles a child's life in two homes. Of course, it matters that parents help with the handovers and make sure the child’s belongings end up in the right place. Studies also show that stability and continuity in the schedule are important: life needs a rhythm, so it feels predictable for the child.

After a Separation, Two Homes Generally Beat One

That alternating residence has become so common in Sweden seems to be good news for children. But we still don't know exactly why children in two homes report being more satisfied with life than children who live with only one parent. Families who choose alternating residence may more often consist of two parents who are both doing well themselves, and who can therefore each care well for their child. The children in these studies may have been doing better even before the separation. Or the results may reflect parents who could cooperate reasonably before, during, and after the separation — with less conflict, more equality, and fathers who were more involved.

It can also be that some children live with only one parent because the other parent is ill or unable to care for them — and that it is the parent's difficulties, not the living arrangement itself, that affect how the child feels. Studies also show that parents who share their children's time alternately are generally happier with their lives than parents whose children live with one parent only. And parents' wellbeing, of course, affects the child too.

One somewhat surprising finding: children in alternating residence did not have problems with their friendships, even though you might expect two homes to make that harder. The likely explanation is that many parents continue to live reasonably close to each other — and help the child see friends by picking up, driving, and inviting them over.

Every Child Is Different and Has Their Own Needs

Remember that these studies describe children at a group level. That children in general do well in alternating residence does not mean the arrangement suits your child. Children are individuals, just like adults.

A recent doctoral thesis showed, for example, that in families where the father had been physically violent toward the mother or the child, children often did not want to live alternately — or even to have contact with their father.

When deciding on living arrangements, listen to what children say — and watch what they show you. For children with disabilities or special needs, take extra care to design a schedule that truly works for them.

Summary

• Everyday contact with both parents is crucial as children grow up. The resources a parent provides are not only financial — they include emotional closeness, commitment, networks, and knowledge.
• For many children, alternating residence is the best way to protect that everyday contact with each parent.
• Children need their parents' help to make two homes work. Parents must be able to cooperate at a workable level — otherwise alternating residence may harm the child in the long run.
• Not every child is comfortable with alternating residence. Children who have experienced domestic violence from a parent generally are not — sometimes not even with seeing the parent who was violent. Talk to your child, and remember that what works for many other children may not be what suits yours best.